This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
