he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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