I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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