i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You ruined the universe
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
