I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
