Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Of course I have a pirate flag
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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