Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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