I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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