dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
