Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
