my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
