Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
birth control should be required to get into college
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Shame - the story of my life.
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