No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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