Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
