I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
