It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
