By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
