Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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