The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
