i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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