I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
