you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
