Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
