____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
