Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
