My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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