now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
