I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I party with great urgency now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
