i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
