You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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