Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
