EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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