i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
