i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
