Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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