saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
