my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
