My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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