Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize