I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
