So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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