My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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