I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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