So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize