You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
