call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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