You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
