quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
