If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
