he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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