It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
