I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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