Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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