I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
