I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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