You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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