i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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