i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
