STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
