i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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